As we are all painfully aware, the holidays are upon us. You especially don’t need to remind any of us who work in retail. So, I have compiled a list of things those of you who do NOT work in retail can reference while shopping this season.
1. Learn how to respect others;
(I started with the most important first)
Especially those of us who are not with our families during Thanksgiving and other upcoming holidays.
Because let’s all keep in mind that technically, it’s not “Black Friday” when you’re
shopping at 5:00 pm on Thursday…
2. No, I don’t have any more in “the back.”
But yes, I will walk around, do a little dance, take a drink, and go through every swear word in my vocabulary,
while pretending to “check anyways.”
I swear, if I hear one more person ask me to check anyways; because apparently I have little mice in the stockroom just waiting to sew you whatever item you’re looking for,
because that’s a real option according to the smug look on your face, while waving me away.
3. I am not your personal “ego-booster”.
I have other customers that are just as important as you, though you obviously you think otherwise.
I do not have time to watch you try on 12 different coats and tell you that “You look fabulous in that color, and the cut is amazing.”
Because let’s face it, you’re going to buy whatever you want anyways, you’re just thirsty for compliments;
even if they are coming from an employee who couldn’t care less.
4. The sales floor is not your “I don’t want my coffee anymore” trash bin.
I don’t why so many people do this, because it’s disgusting.
Although I would rather find your lipstick and coffee covered cup, instead of a dirty diaper, half eaten pretzel, or used tissue.
5. It is not my fault your “coupon does not apply to your purchase.”
Let me just start off by saying, that I wish I could punch whoever decides on the “exclusions” for coupons, because I hate you.
Second, I would like to reach over the counter and smack the person who is screaming at me,
because obviously it’s my fault, and I am clearly out to ruin their lives personally.
6. I don’t have every single item in the store memorized,
and I certainly don’t keep track of what other departments do with their shit.
“It’s that one item, that used to be right over there, and I saw it about two weeks ago, and I was wondering where it was now.”
Right, because I know exactly what thing you’re referring to.
7. Your kids are the spawn of Satan himself.
I’m sorry, but when your kids are running around the racks, grabbing my legs because they think I’m their mother, and screaming or crying at the top of their lungs, don’t be surprised when I don’t want to help you.
I want to be as far away from the little gremlins as possible, without actually leaving the store.
Also, they have sticky fingers that seem to touch everything,
and you clearly don’t bathe them because they have shit all over their faces.
8. Please let me help you find the size you’re looking for.
I have to take precious seconds, minutes, hours, and days, out of my life to keep the tables and racks clean.
So you can imagine how pissed you would be if someone came and destroyed your hard work in seconds.
I can promise you that I don’t board fold with a sheet of paper, pop hoods, size,
and organize in color standards for the fun of it.
9. Grandma, seriously, I don’t have time for you to tell me all about your clearly spoiled grand children.
If you come in looking for a specific item that your granddaughter or grandson put on their list,
expect that it’s going to be expensive. They don’t care that the only North Face that they want is $120.
How about you send a card and $5 bill to those ungrateful bastards. Jeesh.
10. Please, I beg of you, don’t complain when I refuse to let you into a dressing room with 1,000 things.
Because you’re not the one who has to put all the shit you don’t want away!
Because its usually all or 998 of the items.
11. Learn to read. Because I have no tolerance for illiterates.
I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK or KNOW what the sign said.
I know what the actual sign is for, and I am not going to “just change the price.”
12. I do not work off commission.
I work for barely above, or minimum wage.
I am basically an overpaid 1800’s slave according to you.
So no, I am not getting paid enough to stand here while you ask me a million and one stupid questions.
Including if I work off commission because if I did, I certainly wouldn’t have this annoyed look on my face.
13. I am on break, and I am trying to run away from you, stop yelling after me.
When I am off the clock, I have absolutely NO obligation to talk to you, stop what I am doing, look at you,
and definitely NOT get you down a size.
14. “Excuse me, do you work here?”
Nope. Actually I don’t, I am just wearing this name tag, headset, and uniform type outfit,
because I work up today thinking:
I am going to pretend I have a job when I am just an average citizen walking around in a store.
15. “UHM,EXCUSE ME, DO YOU WORK HERE?!?!”
(NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH # 14)
Oh no, this is a very different version of the question.
This is the “I can’t find anyone else to torture, and I think that you looked like an easy enough target
to focus my wrath upon, even though you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.”
16. “It doesn’t have a price, so it must be free”
*laughs as if you’re the first person to ever say that.*
You’re literally the most annoying person alive right now, and I wish you would leave and never come back.
17. I do not, I repeat, DO NOT, control the prices.
I have absolutely no say in the matter, I just work here.
Although according to you, I can just say:
“Oh you don’t like that price printed on the tag from the manufacturer?
Let me change that for you right away!”
18. I don’t want to hear your life story.
I would rather be doing anything else.
19. Asking to “talk to a manager” is a complete waste of time.
One, they are going to tell you exactly the same thing I did,
just worded differently,
and two, as soon as you walk way,
we are going to call you a names, laughing hysterically while doing so.
20. No, I actually hate your sarcasm when you say, “I bet you just love your job.”
It’s people like you that make me hate my job more than the day before.