In the society that we live in, you’re supposed to pretend like you’re okay. To put on a brave face, and pretend that you’re not feeling what you’re feeling. I wish that was different. I have friends, I have a lot of friends. They care about me, and respect me. But its nights like these that I feel more alone than ever. Fuck it, I’ll just come out and say it. I want a boyfriend.
I don’t want the idea of a boyfriend. I want the real deal. The being in love with your best friend, having someone to hang out with all the time with no make up on my sweatpants and watch movies all day. I want the fights, because that’s what relationships are for, compromise, the duty of holding someone’s heart in your hands. I want someone who I can look at from across the room and have him know exactly what I’m thinking about without saying a word. I want someone who is going to make me feel beautiful, sexy, and wanted. I want someone who is going to call me out on my bullshit, and won’t be afraid to tell me when I’m being a bitch. I want someone who is going to push me to reach my full potential because he has more faith in me than I have in myself. Someone who I can dance around in the kitchen with while my cupcakes are baking in the oven. I want someone who will teach me things, and I can teach him things in return. I want someone who will help me with the dishes and fold the laundry. I want someone who gets along with my brother and sisters. Someone who, even when I’m not around, or while I am showering, because I am never on time, will hang out with my family and it wouldn’t be a big deal. Someone who I don’t need to talk to every single second of everyday, but I still know he’s thinking of me. Someone who knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. Someone who I feel comfortable enough around to finally cry all the tears I hold in until the floodgates open.
Someone who even when I am pissed off about something stupid, won’t let me go to sleep upset. Someone who will go to the mall with me, and smell all of the candles with me. Someone who will ride bikes to the seven eleven on July 11th for free slurpies. Someone who will cuddle with me and play with my hair. Someone who I can eat as much pizza that I want in front of and not feel self-conscious. Someone who will stay up late with me listening to music and trying to paint my nails, but failing in the most adorable way. Someone who will always give me his jacket when I’m cold. Someone who will bring me food and a kiss at work. Someone who when I act like a fool, will act just as crazy as me until our stomachs and cheeks hurt from laughing at ourselves so much. Someone who loves dogs, and understands that I will always forget to feed it, but its not intentional. Someone who won’t get mad at me when I leave just about everything I need behind the first time and need to turn around for it. Someone who will break me out of my comfort zone. Someone who will spoil me, and let me spoil him. Someone who won’t make fun of my driving, and won’t give me a hard time about driving in the snow. Someone who is finally going to break me out of this fucking depression that is at its worst, on nights like this when I let myself think too much, and feel too much.
Someone who will hold my hand on roller coasters. Someone who will go to the park with me and play around like we’re little kids. Someone who just ‘gets me’. Someone who will take me to concerts and hold me around my waist. Someone who will rub my feet when they hurt. Someone who I can hide my eyes behind during a scary movie; or protect me in a haunted house. Someone who will remind me when I get depressed how much he loves me. Someone who will kiss me out of no where, but especially when I’m mad at him. Someone who wants to show me off to the world, because he doesn’t want anyone to not know that I’m his girl. Someone who will introduce me to his family, and wants to make sure I feel like a part of his life. Someone who I can envision a forever with.
But I don’t know when that boy will come along. I don’t know if he will ever come around. I’d like to believe that he is out there waiting for me. Who knows, I could have already met him. The universe works in strange ways that are hard to understand. I realize that I am asking for a lot, but all I really want, is someone who is going to love me, for me, along with all of my bullshit. I’m not easy to love, or want, I just want someone to fucking fight for me. I want someone to want me. Maybe I’m just daydreaming, maybe I’m not worth someone like that. Only the future knows the answer to that.